The literal Pain of Gain

I am at a stand still...What do you do when the doc says you either plateau or gain weight OR the alternative is hospitalization and tube feedings. TUBE FEEDINGS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME? I cant do this...I wont do this. I absolutely refuse to go into a hospital to have a portal for 'substance' shoved down my already caved sinus cavity into a pit known as the stomach. I wont do it. I wont you hear me!

Where Do We Go From Here...

yes another blog. what can I say. This one captures it all. the pain of gain... What does that mean? is it more painful living in my existence or living in the existence of an eating disorder? lets see... I think I would rather live with the ED. it "needs" me and "Wants" me around. No one else does. It is so painful to see wonderful women like L and C; its very heartbreaking. It hurts to the point of suicide. Even this bogging crap is lonely. lm adding to a sea of words and creating one more meaningless outlet. one more place to realize how unremarkable I am or can ever be. How can I ever get on base if I can't hit a curve ball? I will tell you how: get beaned. Problem is the bruises aren't going away and it hurts move every time because I know its coming. Maybe I need to learn to bunt or maybe I will wake up & realize its only a horrible dream.


Lets pray the latter is true.